Food For Thought

I have been, in fact, I am still pretty much going through a rough - (How shall I put this?) - "emotional roller coaster". There are many things going through my head, many things I worry about every day, and a million questions running through my mind. Having said these, I acknowledge I do not know everything. There are so many I do not know yet, and I am willing to know more, through God and from God.
The confusing part(s) is I know what I want, but is this what He wills? I have made a lot of poor decisions in my life, and because of these, I have disappointed not only myself, but my loved ones and mostly, God. I am aware that His good grace is overflowing though I am unworthy, but it is not cheap. It came with a hefty price. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." - John 3:16
I understand that now so much more than I ever did before.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." - Matthew 7:7
Therefore, I ask for wisdom to make the right decisions. Yes, He answers in so many ways, but I guess I am a little slow. I do not want to be a fool anymore.

I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that I may be going through depression. The flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. I think I need a powerful inner healing.

Who am I to demand appreciation when the Lord keeps giving and loving even when the world has turned away from Him?

We go through tremendous agony or sufferings mostly due to our past sinful actions and ways. Who are we to complain when Jesus went through pain and death as an innocent soul to save us all?

Who are we to judge or give up on another when God has never given up on us? How would we know if we cannot save another?

What is/are our sacrifice compared to the sacrifices the Lord made for us?

Life on earth is only temporary.

The Impossible

Went for a movie last night and decided to watch this - The Impossible. The movie is based on a true event and the survival of Maria Belon and her family on their Christmas vacation during the devastating tsunami which hit while they were in Khao Lak, Thailand in December 2004.

The movie starred amazing actors - Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor, who played the couple, Maria and Henry; and Tom Holland, who played their eldest son, Lucas.

Only watching it from a screen, I caught myself cringing and gripping my hands tightly and holding my breath during the scenes when the tsunami waves hit with all the helpless people swept away in them. To put myself in the shoes of those who were actually there at that moment to experience that horrific event, it must have been so scary. I seriously doubt I would know what to do at that point of time. 

There were so much mixed emotions I got from this one movie. There were beautiful scenes where you see the love of the family on their Christmas vacation; there were the heartbreaking moments after the disaster hit and the members were clueless whether they have lost their separated loved ones; there were hopeful feelings when the husband never gave up looking for the wife and eldest son; and then that touching moment when the whole family got reunited miraculously at that one place. 

It just goes to show how great love really is, and that life and this world really need love. It was love for the family and loved ones back home which kept them going and fighting to survive and search for each other. It was love for another being which pushed Maria to convince her son, Lucas, to search for the lost little boy, Daniel shouting for his mom and dad, in the mess and save him, so that he was able to be happy with his father in the end. (how much difference that actually made!) It was love and care for the needy when the local Thais went around searching and helping those injured tourists - clothing them and rushing them to the nearby hospital, despite some losing their own homes and belongings.

Overall, it was a movie worth watching.

Condolences to those who have lost families and friends in the event. 

The What-is & What-nots

Here's a first for the new year. I know it's wayy due. We're already in mid January, and I hear Chinese New Year songs almost everywhere! *Shudders*  And they stress me out.
I never really liked the idea of Chinese New Year since young, and I'll explain why.
You see other occasions like Christmas and New Year, or the Malays' Hari Raya - they're all about love, peace, family, unity, forgiveness, giving and sharing. Very meaningful.
Then there's the Chinese New Year - People wishing each other "Gong Xi Fa Cai"(Wishing you Wealth) and you hear songs singing about receiving 'ang pows' (the red packets containing money) and welcoming "Cai Shen" (the Money god). It all revolves around...need I say more? - Money, Wealth, Prosperity... Of course you'd say there are also unity and family as most chinese families get together for the Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, and they visit each other, and kids are usually the happiest as they receive red packets from the elders as well wishes. The getting together part for dinner is great, only if it's not out of obligation - this seems like the case for most these days. Besides, you can and ought to have family get-together anytime throughout, not only during such occasion.
And who the heck created the idea of ang pow-giving?! It's like implanted in people's mindsets that "Hah! You're married. You should give ang pows!" Traditionally, it was meant for the kids, just an idea of wishing they'd grow up healthy and good. Then along the way, I don't understand how it becomes that even strangers are expecting you to give them ang pows! Then there's of course, gambling. They use 'visiting friends' as an excuse. Seems to me it's more like meeting up to gamble - the more, the merrier! -_-"
Anyways, I shall not rant. I never intended to write a whole post on Chinese New Year in the first place. On the bright side, at least there will be holidays and I get to be home for the eve (for the first time in the last 6 years!) with my family. So, yay.
Uhm...It's swayed away from what I was supposed to write. Now, I'm stuck. LOL.
Got to head out. So, I'll write another post later.

Another year has come to pass

So, we have come to the end of another year. I have said it a thousand times, but I am saying it again.
- Time really does fly!
2012 has been... I would not say great, for so many have happened - best and worst. It has been a roller coaster ride for me, I would say - so much so I feel as if I have been hanging onto my dear life on a thread. Seriously. Physically, I had fallen sick numerous times in this one year, ranging from the normal but annoying prolonged cough and flu to Pericoronitis (inflamed wisdom teeth gum - yes, both sides! - The horror!) and even a bad case of urticaria (for days!).
Regardless, here I still stand (or sit, literally - haha!) alive and breathing - and for that, I am thankful.

A good friend has always been there reminding me - even during the lowest times in life, to always ask myself "What are you grateful for in your life today?" 

So, I have learnt to count my blessings, and this has helped me move forward in life.

I am grateful for everything that has happened, regardless of how bad it gets, for everything happens for a reason and by His will, and all these have helped shape me into who I am today. I am still alive and sane today, and I only have God to thank for these.

I am grateful to be blessed with two adorable children - my son, Nathan, and daughter, Mikaela. They are the best gifts and best things that ever happened to me. They grow pretty fast, and they have helped me grow along the way. Despite the mistakes I have made when young and foolish, I could not imagine how my life would have turned out to be without them.

I am grateful for my family and true friends who have always been there for me, through thick and thin, and all the craziness (both in good ways and bad ways) throughout. You have made me realize how truly blessed I am and taught me Unconditional Love, and reminded me that this journey in life is worth its living.

I am grateful for the job I have with the wonderful work environment and boss and colleagues. Awesome energy to keep me fueled and going every day.

Above all these, I am grateful to the Lord Almighty. Through Him, all things are possible. Yet, I still have loads to learn, and correct.

So, 'Farewell' we bid to Year 2012 and a toast for the new Year 2013!
I do not hope for it to be great. This time I will make it awesome!

Image taken from www.turnbacktogod.com

Lord, give me the wisdom to know right from wrong, and the strength to do Your will, and not my own.

BLESSED NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Fifty Shades

I have finished the Fifty Shades trilogy over a month back, and I loved it. It is no wonder the trilogy is one of the best-selling - fastest-selling paperback of all time, in fact, surpassing the Harry Potter series.

Although labelled the erotic novel, it does not revolve around just that. Really, read the books first before judging. Well, there were BDSM and some 'kinky fuckery', and there were also plain vanilla. There is a reason for the way Christian Grey turns out to be - the need to be in control and dominant. However, these characteristics also made him a pretty successful and wealthy entrepreneur at such a young age.

I love that the author, James used such a wide range of vocabulary in her descriptions throughout the story. I love the twists and the flashbacks included wisely in between. If there is one word I could use to describe this, it would be 'beguiling'.
The ending is beautiful, yet it leaves you wanting more.

Now that they have confirmed a movie based on the book, I cannot wait to see how the casts will play out all the characters. I do hope that Matt Bomer gets cast as Christian Grey (although he is openly gay - Darn. Tsk!)  - so far, the guy fits the bill for a Christian Grey - he looks stunning suit-up, and could pull off the sexy, boyishly carefree/playful look at the same time.

As for the lead female role, I hope Alexis Bledel gets the part. She is everything I have imagined Anastasia Steele to be. Big blue eyes, brunette, innocent charm, fair and rosy.

Ahh, I can't wait - though I doubt the movie would ever be released here, in this country.
Haha!

Big Bang

I had an awesome weekend - in Singapore!

Main purpose was to attend the Big Bang Alive Galaxy Tour 2012 - my 2nd concert (I'm such a sad case, huh?) after S.H.E.'s in Miri (Heck, I didn't even like them. At all. Perhaps 'cause it was a first concert in hometown from some non-local artistes & oh, I think my Dad had some free tickets from some of the sponsors then).

The atmosphere in the National Stadium was crazy, with screaming fans (female mostly, obviously) and the crowds singing along in fluent Korean and tunes to the band's popular hits. I felt old, kinda. Well, my inner schoolgirl was squealing inside. Haha! Until I saw some older 'aunties' in the crowd, some even dancing to the South Korean boy band's songs.

Big Bang members from Left: Seungri, Daesung, Taeyang, G-Dragon & T.O.P.

I have got to say Big Bang is really gooood. The members' vocals are just as good in real life as on their albums, and they are as entertaining. T.O.P., the group's rapper with a distinctively sexy deep voice, is such a freaking gorgeous guy even in real life. So is G-Dragon, the band's leader. I can see why they are so successful and famous internationally. I remember how hard is was to get hold of the tickets to this concert. The first day it was opened for sale - priority to OCBC card members, the tickets were sold out within the first 10 minutes! The demand was overwhelming that a 2nd date was later confirmed for their concert in Singapore.

Honestly, it all still feels surreal to me - the fact that I was actually there in person, for their concert. Meh, sounds like I need to get more fun in my life.

I managed to also meet up with my BFF from childhood, Michelle, who is now residing in Singapore. Spent about a day catching up and she brought me for my much-needed 'retail therapy'. I hope to do these more - meeting up and spending time with longtime friends. Have not really caught up with most of my friends for ages!

Oh, I got myself books! The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E L James - at a fair price. Am now hooked on reading again, whenever I get the chance to.

The SG getaway was a much-deserved break. I like that the country is clean and civilized. The fast paced city was actually a good change for me for the little while from Brunei's laid back lifestyle.

Love

Alot of friends have tied or are tying the knot over these past few years, and to date, we have got a number of wedding invitations lined up till next year. Well, congratulations to all these lovely couples who have made their decisions to spend the rest of their lives together.  Pretty huge step ;)

So, love is in the air... I reckon?

Love, love, love...
I am no expert.
In fact, it just recently dawned on me that I am not (or rather, perhaps, no longer) a firm believer of the 'romantic love'. Oh wells, I was one of most little girls growing up to all the fairy tales where the 'princesses' will always eventually be swept off her feet by her knight in shining armour - one could only dream and wonder if one day in reality it would be the same for her, ey?

I have a couple of friends who claim they will never marry. The me before would most probably go, "Nah, you will one day. You just haven't found the Right One yet."
On the contrary, I now find that I have much respect for these people. At least they know and are sure of what they want or do not want for that matter and are not afraid to be honest about it. That way, you will not waste another person's time.

Marriage, in my own definition afterall would be:
Unless you proposed or were proposed to and accepted from the heart, and both have made your rightful vows before God in a religious matrimony, marriage is just a piece of paper which claims to officially tie you both together 'till death do you part' and would cost you much, much more to disregard the tie than what it initially did for you to create that tie - and where's the sense in that?!

Okay, even if there is such thing as romantic love, it could only last that long before you wake up from the honeymoon phase and have to make way for tolerance or compromise, or realize that it was perhaps a silly crush or infatuation, or worse, an obsession.
To me, love goes beyond all the 'butterflies in your tummy' bla bla bla.
Real love requires patience, trust, faith, sacrifice...and yes, it involves pain, which from an unconditional and pure love, with no expectation, gives joy or bliss.
Love goes beyond that of only romance - what seems to be widely spoken of or sung about.
I believe in love like a mother's or father's, a loving grandparent's, a brother or a sister's, a child's, a true friend's or even a neighbour's or stranger's with a pure heart.
Such love lasts and grows and never fails you.
Such love brings peace.
Such love as God's love.

"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
- 1 Cor 13:4-7

The Dark Knight Rises

Watched this a couple of weeks back and I'd say I really like this one.

Christian Bale - an actor whom I've grown to love watching since I saw him in 'Equilibrium' and then 'The Fighter', did a great job playing the role of the 'fallen' hero of Gotham City who rises up again in the midst of crises.

Then there was Anne Hathaway who played the sexy Selina Kyle - notably known as the cat burglar or 'Catwoman'. In this, you'd see the different and wilder side to Hathaway. And dayum, was she hot!

Of course there were other great actors and actress such as Michael Caine who played the role of Alfred Pennyworth - Wayne's butler; Gary Oldman as James Gordon, Commissioner of the Gotham City Police Department; Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox who's Wayne's armourer - providing him with all the latest equipments; Tom Hardy as Bane, the villain; Joseph Gordon-Levitt (that young kid most would've grown up watching from '3rd Rock From the Sun') as  John Blake, an intelligent young police officer who grew up believing in Batman; and Marion Cotillard as Miranda Tate, a member of the Wayne Enterprises executive board who encourages a still-grieving Bruce Wayne to rejoin the society, and is also his brief love interest or comforter.

I was never a huge fan of the Batman before 'cause I'd always thought of him only as the masked man with all the cool gadgets and high-tech equipments, unlike all the other superheroes.

However, I've learnt something from this movie, and I'd like to quote Batman here, when asked why he never reveals his identity.

"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat around a little boy's shoulders to let him know that the world hadn't ended."

Very well said.

Awareness

I've just had the most amazing weekend! I may have written in my previous post about my 'breakthrough'. I may have thought I've learnt enough and was very much aware of what I have or wanted. Oh, little did I know how far away I really was from that. Who was I fooling? One can never stop learning. It's an ongoing process.

This time around, the experience, or rather, my experience was magical, I'd say. I've met another whole new bunch of great people who come from different walks of life. So different yet so similar we all are. How tough or perfect one might appear to be on the outside yet how fragile and vulnerable one can turn out to be, in reality. We're all the same,afterall. Mind you, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to own up to that and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Yes, I learn once again about being present and aware. One may like to think that after one round of such experience, he or she may find his or her surroundings become positive and beautiful. Sadly, that is not the case.

My biggest awareness this time around is that being aware and present - when the hard truth hits you, it hits you hard in your face like a runaway train coming towards you. And that's not the best feeling, to be honest.

The next step - the biggest question is "Have you got the courage to act upon the truth?"

Transition

Pardon the lack of activity and update here again.
Let's just say I went through a transitional phase. There have been some changes and I have never felt better!
It has been a really good 'break' or rather, 'breakthrough'.
For now, I can say I am pretty contented with everything in my life. :)
Praise the Lord!

Happy Mother's Day!

* This post was supposed to be put up on the actual Mother's Day itself, on 13th May 2012, but I was mourning the loss of Manchester United FC in the English Premier League to the Blues. @#$! *KIDDING...*

My son, Nathan made this in school for Mother's Day.
Inside the card, he drew this picture of me.

Me:       Who's this?
Nathan:  Mummy!
Me:        Why does Mummy look like this? Mummy only has two strands of hair?
Nathan:  Hahahaha!
Me:        Eyes, mouth...ey? Where are Mummy's nose and ears?
Nathan:  Uh-oh.

*LOL*
Of course I was only teasing him. I adore his work. :) And yes, I thanked him for the card.

"The noblest calling in the world is that of mother. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece or who can write a book that will influence millions deserves the plaudits and admiration of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters whose immortal souls will be exerting an influence throughout the ages long after painting shall have faded, and books and statues shall have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give."
 - David O. McKay


Happy Mother's Day to all mothers in the world! :)

Inspirations

Stumbled upon this profile on Instagram -@toolkit04. The guy's got amazing talent! He draws beautiful portraits and I especially love his sketches on eyes. Looking at his work reminds me of my passion for art. I used to draw/paint/sketch a lot and enjoyed it. I haven't been doing those for some time. Now, I am finding the inspiration to start drawing again. I hope it doesn't fizzle out this time. Haha!

Here's a pen sketch of an eye I did - inspired by the artist. I need more practice!

Art aside, I think I'm beginning to develop a keen passion towards cooking and baking, too. *Gosh, I am so random! LOL*  
I miss the time I was always cooking when in England. I can't wait to get my own place, and I'd make sure I have a nice and cozy and fully-equipped kitchen because I want to cook and bake! I've been saying this since I was in London, and that was like 6 years ago!  W.O.W. Ages! *Blushes* IseriouslyneedtoputmywordsintoactionsASAP.

I should really keep up with blogging. We're already in the middle of the second quarter of the year. And I've gotten sick like 3 times since the beginning of the year - not good. May, please be good to me! 
My little boy, Nathan's turning 5 this 12th.

And at over 9-month-old, Mikaela's already squirming out of our grip to go down and move around by herself! Oh dear, I guess I'll be soon chasing her around when she begins her first steps. 

Kids. How fast they grow!

Guess I'm blessed. :)

How to Lose Weight

Ah, the issue which may grasp attention, especially of fellow females - How to lose weight and keep those extra weight off!
I am no fitness or health guru, but I have learnt a couple of tips from reading and research and trials which actually work (for me).
I wish that I am one of those lucky people born with model-like fit bodies, but the hard truth is that I need to work reasonably hard in order to achieve and stay on the slim side. I constantly get it from people, that I diet to stay slim. That depends on what you view diet as. My idea of a diet has absolutely nothing to do with starvation or skipping meals, or replacing meals with dietary supplements to lose weight, or living on purely water and carrot/celery sticks throughout the day - tried that and never works for me because I would end up stuffing myself with all the sinful carbs and calories by the end of the day!I love food! Enough to prevent me from ever putting my body and stomach through the agony of starvation. Besides, it is true that you have to actually eat more to keep your metabolism up. Starving may trigger your body to store fats as your body will not be able to differentiate between the time when you actually diet or when you are in danger of running out of food, hence it goes into an auto-defensive mode. Crash dieting is also very unhealthy as your body does not get the proper nourishment and nutrition at the proper time.

So, try eating smaller and healthier meals 4 up to 6 times a day, keeping the intervals between each meal/snack about 3 to 4 hours. Healthier meals do not mean excluding all the carbohydrate. We actually need a balance between each group. Just try to steer clear from all the empty calories from junk food, carbonated drinks and alcohol. Drink plenty of water throughout the day as it flushes out toxins in your body and prevents water retention. Dehydration also misleads your body into thinking you are hungry when you are not.

I (try my best) to stick with the Blood Type diet. My mom got me this book, Eat Right 4 Your Type by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo. It works and is proven. Lucky for me, most of the highly beneficial food for my blood type happen to be my favorite, and most of those to avoid happen to be those food that I initially do not fancy.

Exercise and staying active greatly contribute towards staying fit and healthy. There is no such thing as spot reduction of fats, so do not buy into those ideas of using slimming belt for the tummy and thighs or diet pills claiming to burn those fats off at your targeted problem areas. As little or as much as some of these products may work, I still do not believe you can count solely on all these to lose fats or weight without exercising or just getting your butt off that couch! Ladies, I know our problems are the things which go into our mouths most probably end up around our hips and thighs (as we get older). The only way to solve that is to stop complaining and get moving! Seriously, the reason you get big bottoms and end up very pear-shaped is because you sit too much in a day, period. Try standing or walking around, especially after a huge meal. Yes, it is that simple, if you really do not have time to work out. Walk those extra inches away!If you want to lose fats and get in shape fast, you really got to work it. The most effective way to lose fats is to do interval training - combining cardio workout with strength training. You do not necessarily need long hours at the gym to do that. Try searching on YouTube for Interval Trainings. I came across one, combining skipping and moving about, all in just 10 minutes, but phew, what a workout!

You cannot just do cardio alone. I know of people who claim they jog and control their food intake every day, but they still cannot achieve the ideal weight or shape. That is because if you only do cardio, you burn your muscles instead. You need muscles as they help speed up your metabolism. Include weights or strength training like 2 to 3 times a week between the days of cardio. It can be just doing squats, crunches, push-ups, etc.

Get adequate amount of sleep during the night - 7 to 9 hours will be sufficient for adults. Lack of sleep leads to obesity, just as stress make some people put on weight.

For those pregnant ladies, eating for two is a myth! You just need more of certain nutrition than you usually take in everyday for yourself. You do not need to double the portion on your plates. Stay active throughout your pregnancy, just avoid over- working out and heavy tasks. There are ways to ensure healthy pregnancy and that you have an easier delivery and recovery, but that will be another topic.

And for those of you who are eager to lose those extra kilograms fast, perhaps for an upcoming event, here is a bonus.
I was googling for ways to lose weight/fats fast when albeit all the healthy-eating and interval trainings, those last 3 stubborn kilos 10 weeks post baby just would not come off! ( I was going to attend a friend's wedding also at the time)

So, I stumbled upon the 3-Day Military Diet.

Day 1
Breakfast
- Tea/Coffee
- 1/2 Grapefruit or Juice
- 1 Toast
- 1 Tbsp Peanut Butter

Lunch
- 1/2 cup of Tuna
- 1 Toast
- Tea/Coffee

Dinner
- 3 oz. any lean meat (about 2 slices)
- 1 cup green veges + carrots
- 1 Apple
- 1 cup regular vanilla ice cream

Day 2
Breakfast
- 1 Egg
- 1/2 Banana
- 1 Toast

Lunch
- 1 cup cottage cheese or tuna
- 1 hard boiled egg
- 5 regular saltine crackers

Dinner
- 2 beef franks
- 1 cup broccoli or cabbage
- 1/2 cup carrots
- 1/2 Banana
- 1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream

Day 3
Breakfast
- 5 regular saltine crackers
- 1 slice cheddar cheese
- 1 Apple

Lunch
- 1 boiled egg
- 1 toast

Dinner
- 1 cup tuna
- 1 cup carrots
- 1 Banana
- 1 cup regular vanilla ice cream

When I first saw the menu, I was relieved that it consists of food easily acquired at the supermarket and it is not another diet which limits your food choices (in other words, more or less asking you to starve), though I was skeptical when I saw beef franks and vanilla ice cream.
I altered some of the food choices for myself. I replaced Peanut butter with Cream cheese because I do not like peanuts. As I do not take coffee and do not fancy sugared English tea, I had green tea instead. For the first day, I actually replaced vanilla ice cream with vanilla yoghurt, but later figured there will be no harm in trying ice cream.

And after the third day, I lost over 2 kgs and the weight managed to stay off since. Wee~!

I read that for those who wish to lose more, they can do this diet for a course of a month or more - meaning 3 days on the diet, and the next 4 days off (but with moderate food intake), and then the next 3 days on and 4 days off, repeating accordingly. I have only done it once on a course of 3 days and am satisfied enough to recommend.

So, there you go. All tips given here have been tried and proven. I am still working my way to being toned and fit, which reminds me - I have a spinning class to attend later!

Hello, April!

Hello, Spring/Autumn! -Would be nice to be in a 4-season country. I miss that.

Whoa! It is already the 12th of the month. I have not updated my blog for some time. Have been pretty busy with work lately. It has been crazy! I literally dream about work and pending jobs sometimes at night and over weekends. Oh dear, I need to get a life! Haha!

One of my colleagues saw this posted up at a client's and shared with us. So, thought I'd share. It read:

ALWAYS LEAVE OFFICE ON TIME

1. Work is never ending process. You can never finish the work.
2. Interest of a client is not more important than your family.
3. If you fail in life, your boss or client will not be the person to offer a helping hand but your family and friends will do.
4. Life does not mean coming to office, going home and sleeping. There is more to a life. You need time to socialize, for entertainment, exercise and relaxation. Don't make your life meaningless.
5. A person who sits in office till late is not a hardworking person. He is a fool who does not know how to manage work within the stipulated time. Besides, he is a loser in life who does not have personal or social life.
6. You did not study hard and struggle in life to be a machine and live a meaningless life.
7. If your boss forces you to work late, just forward him this. He will try to make his life meaningful, too.

There, for reading pleasure. The best part was this message was posted up on their wall by their boss. Amusing. Perhaps, I should stick one up somewhere visible for my lady boss. Tee hee!

The thing I like about being busy is that it gets my mind off nonsense.
Oh wells, I shall hit the gym. Definitely miss working out.

Have a blessed day!

Monologue

I am tired. No, not literally physically only. Not at life, as a whole. I am tired of all these constant episodes of going round in circles - of going nowhere, but back to square one time and time again.

My lack of rest and sleep and all these peculiar dreams I have been getting are not helping! I wake up remembering all these vivid dreams and wondering what messages they bring. And, and these stupid devils or whatever they are which just have not stopped bothering me, especially at times I am praying - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, REALLY?! I am not afraid of you, so what is your point? You think if you succeed at scaring me, you will get me to be on your side instead of God's? HAH! Pathetic. And messing with a mother when she is alone and with her children around? Wrong move! Lay a finger on my kids, and my mother instincts will make sure you are destroyed and trampled and thrown into the bottomless pit where you belong!

I sound like a lunatic here. It is alright.

What is the answer here? I know one should not make rash decisions only when in times of crisis. OK, lately, I have been calm, and I still see the same outcome. I still get the same vibes. Tsk. Such disappointment. So, what is it, really?

I guess this is it. Or is it?
Lord, show me the way! Let Thy Will be done.

Our Youth, Our Gift

"WHAT?!"

They let out, almost a shriek, attracting attention from around us, their eyes wide opened, their jaws drop.

Such are the reactions I get from new people I meet when I tell them that I am married.

Their responses usually, "You're married?! I thought you have just graduated!"
And I would feel my heart let out a faint yelp at the statement. *I wish! Well, I ought to be.*

Adding that I have got two kids, and their jaws drop further. When they question my kids' age, and when they learn that my youngest is an infant below 1 year of age, I get the head-to-toe stare.

"You don't look like you're married and certainly not like you have already given birth to two kids! You look like you're single." or "You look so young! How old are you??"

I wonder if I should be telling this with glee. Perhaps, for the part where I do not look like I have given birth and that I look young, I guess I am flattered(?) - although I certainly have not felt so young, since... I do not even remember when.

However, I find it absurd that most people are still taken aback by the fact that I am married. I mean, how can you tell whether someone should be already married or not - whatever that means. I have some friends my age who are married, too. Few younger, even. Why? Do I look like I do not deserve to marry? Or do I really look like a kid who is way too young to be married? - which are both not good reasons at all - although I think they may mean well when they pose those questions.

I know many are trying so hard to maintain or regain their youth. Honestly, the thought of premature aging damages does frighten me. Regardless, the fact that we are living in a society where most people are too busy to stop and pay attention to minors, is not an advantage to me if the statements about my youthful appearance stand true. It means I certainly have to work a whole lot harder to prove myself, especially in the career world. I admit there are occasions I get such ignorance and vibes, as if these 'important people' are thinking, "She is just a child. Ngeh! What does she know?"

Well, I really should not bother about such things. We cannot control other people's thoughts and judgement afterall. If they want to be judgemental, let them be. I do not need to answer to people in the end. If it means I need to work extra hard in my career, so be it. Everyone has got his/her story behind those 'masks' we see on the surface. So, I have learnt to not judge.

Besides, I really should try to learn and cherish my youth. It is a gift. The world has just gotten too engrossed in their pursuit of material things and wealth. Even kids these days have forgotten and are no longer introduced to our imaginary games and fun in the olden days. Tsk. Let children be children! I heard somewhere before that children are born smart. It is what the adults input into their minds as they are growing which makes them become 'stupid'.

Why is it that as children, we saw the world as the beautiful Earth with all the life in it that God has created for us, which we could not wait to explore and we saw so many potentials to grow in and change for a better future (and we could not wait to grow up), but as we grow up, and as adult, we see the world as the harsh and cruel reality? - wars and injustice; pride and prejudice; materialistic wealth and power...

Funny, because I thought we all, children or adult, live on the same planet, breathe the same air, witness the same sunrise and sunsets, and view the same moon and stars at night. It is not the world which has changed, but the people and their man-made laws.

Oh, I miss crawling under the tables and playing pretend camping with friends when in primary school; the fake birthday cake I made and brought to school for the fake birthday party we celebrated during break time (and I remember one of the teachers stood by and watched us outside the classroom window, smiling to himself); the playing pretend we were mermaids when swimming on weekends with cousins; and I guess if I were to come up with the list of things we did as kids, my post will take a whole page! Those were the days.

Why can't we think and see the world like children?

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

(Matthew 18:2-6)

Thanks for the Memories

Joyce Conway has just lost her baby and blaming herself for the loss, she has wished to give up on her life and join her unborn child at that very moment. However, she wakes up in the hospital with her worried father at her side. Little does she know that the blood transfusion she receives gives her more than her life back. In the process of ending her failed marriage, Joyce decides to start afresh and moves back in with her father. She discovers that she remembers places she has never visited, has vast knowledge on buildings and architecture, speaks languages she has never learnt before, and keeps dreaming of this little girl with blonde hair.
Justin Hitchcock has flown into Dublin for a guest lecture. Lonely and restless, the recently divorced Art Professor has left his home in Chicago to move to London to be closer to his daughter, Bea. Despite his fear for needles, he nonchalantly agreed to donate blood when the beautiful doctor, Sarah whom he met on campus persuaded.
Since Joyce and Justin first cross paths, they find that they are very much drawn to each other and their lives have become a wild goose chase in the pursuit of something unknown, yet they cannot quite put their finger on what it is that makes each one of them so familiar to the other.

I have actually finished reading this book a couple of months back. I bought the book quite long ago and it has been sitting on the shelf for some time until I realized I have never read it before. Ahh, Life!
As unique as most of Cecelia Ahern's writings are, I find this one rather predictable. It is a good read, however, with this piece, I needed to get myself back on track in the story and where it is leading to, everytime that I stopped halfway. I think I like 'Where Rainbows End' alot better. As usual, Ahern never fails to add humour into her stories - in this one, she exhibits it in the character of Joyce's father.

There are a number of quotes from the book which I like.

"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you."

"When feeling at your weakest, you end up showing more strength; at your lowest, you are suddenly lifted above higher than you've ever been. They all border one another, these opposites, and show how quickly we can be altered. Despair can be altered by one simple smile offered by a stranger; confidence can become fear by the appearance of one uneasy presence...How similar emotions are."

"We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found."

"It's like my garden, love. Everything grows. Including love. And with that growing everyday, how can you expect missing her to ever fade away? Everything builds, including our ability to cope with it. That's how we keep going."

I Do Not Know Much...

I do not know much about Love
But I see it in a mother's eyes
I feel its warmth around families and friends
I experience it from a child's cuddles and hugs
It is certainly in the atmosphere during celebrations between and amongst lovers

I do not know much about Courage
But I see it in a child's first steps
I feel it in an adventurer's first attempt on an adrenaline challenge
I experienced it as a teenager on his/her first approach on the biggest crush
I think it is much needed and inside each soldier on the battlefield

I do not know much about Faith
But I see it in the families and lovers waiting for their beloved to come home from battle or war
I feel it in the sick who are fighting for another chance to live
I hear it in a child's prayer for a better tomorrow
And I guess it is what keeps everyone going in this cold, cruel world today

I do not know much about Life
But I witness it during the birth of a newborn baby
I hear and read about it from motivational and inspirational books, seminars and talk shows
I am pretty sure it is what every living creature is fighting for
And I believe it is what the faithful strive for

There are many I may not know much about
But I do know that you and I are here for a purpose
And that God is by our side every step and struggle along the way
Even through times of great sufferings
And when I leave this place called Earth I know where I want to come Home to

-Sylvia K.

Keeping awake

Hello.

Oh dear, I haven't posted for some time.

At the moment, am trying to find something to do at work. It is my second week here and I have nothing much to do, yet. Well, I love the job & people here.

It is pouring outside and my eyes are heavy. About another 1 hour & a half to go...

Must. sleep. earlier. tonight.

If I can.

Science or Spiritual?

photo from elephantjournal.com

Just earlier this month, I have had continuous out-of-the-world experiences. I have googled up about them and been trying to rule out the exceptions so I could come up with the best conclusion for what exactly I have experienced. As always, Science would come up with tons of reasons, but I have also stumbled upon a few good spiritual ones. So, let me get into detail about what I felt and went through.

The first recent one happened on a Saturday dawn, after I woke up to make milk for my 6-month-old daughter. My husband, Will was up with me for I was pretty exhausted as Baby Mikaela did not have a good night's sleep and had already woken up few times throughout the night. So, he helped give her her feed as I tried to go back to sleep.

As I was just about to drift off, I felt paralysed. I was aware of everything around me - my son, Nathan sleeping beside me; my husband on his iPad after putting Mikaela to bed, but I could not speak nor move. I know they call this Sleep Paralysis and it is normal as it occurs during your REM sleep and what happens is your body has gone to sleep, but your brain is still awake. Hmm, I have experienced sleep paralysis before. However, this was different. I did not hallucinate or feel breathless as would normally be reported by people who experience sleep paralysis. During my sleep paralysis, I felt a tingling sensation travelling up my body, from my toes to the tip of my head. I felt my soul was being sucked out from my body, and the whole time, I was fighting it. I was praying hard in my head as I could not utter a word. This happened for alot of rounds before I finally knocked out perhaps from exhaustion, and then the next thing I knew I was awake when Mikaela woke up that morning. I felt pretty tired, but did not go back to sleep. I remembered what happened earlier, but I shook it off as a reaction from my exhaustion, until...

Will told me he had a nightmare about me, when he went back to sleep after his iPad (which was during or after the time of my experience). He dreamt I was murdered. Coincidence? Perhaps, but do coincidences happen alot of times?

My first such experience was when I was 16. It happened once then and I ruled that out as me being overly stressed out with too many things to juggle with in my hands then. There were school, tuitions, assignments, extracurricular activities - clubs and more clubs. I still remember I was up studying for the Physics test the next day. My little brother saw me before he went to bed in my parents' (he was 5) as he bid me "Goodnight". A while later, I decided to go to bed as well, as I was getting sleepy and could not get anymore Physics into my head. Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt paralysed - same thing, could not move nor speak, and I could still hear the football game on the TV my Dad was watching outside in the living room. I could open my eyes, though. I felt that same 'soul being sucked out of body' sensations and I was also praying hard and fighting it. As I opened my eyes, I could see my room as it was, from the side position I was lying in, and as the soul-sucking feeling continued, I could see myself floating up from my bed towards my room's ceiling( I always had my nightlamp on). I kept praying and when I finally snapped out of it, I could not go back to bed anymore and I took out my Physics book to read again. Then I heard my Dad went into his bedroom. A few minutes later, he came into my room and told me my brother was having a nightmare and was calling out to me in his sleep. Dad asked me to go see my brother and tell him I was alright. Coincidence? I felt uneasy, and so I asked if I could sleep on the floor in my parents' for the night. As I was lying there, and my Dad was saying his prayers before bed, my whole body was trembling uncontrollably until I fell asleep. I asked my brother the next day what he dreamt of me the night before, but he shuddered and refused to say a thing about it. He only told me it was too scary.

Ok, and now back to my recent experience.

I went about the whole day as normal, not giving anymore thought about what occurred earlier. Then, that second night, it happened again. This time, it was not sleep paralysis because I was not even asleep yet! Mikaela had a late night, took me some time to put her to bed. Nathan was fast asleep since earlier. Will went downstairs to catch some football on TV. I was just lying down next to Nathan when I felt it. It was that tingling sensation, that cool feeling travelling up my body, and I felt out of the moment, and not myself. Thinking that it was sleepiness which triggered it, I quickly sat upright in bed and the feeling did not go away at all. I hurried downstairs to Will and the entire time, as I was on the move, I could still feel it, and I was fighting with whatever was sucking my soul out of my body at the time. When I got to Will, I literally felt I went all white. My visions were a bit blurry and bright. When Will saw me, he quickly got up because I had goosebumps all over me. He turned off the TV and lights and held me as we went upstairs. I kept talking to him, as I fought the feeling. It was as if my body was going to collapse the very next minute and I did not know what was going to happen to my soul.

As we got to the bedroom, I fumbled for the Holy Bible. I had the lights on as I sat in bed to read the words of God. I was asking God to please not let anything happen to me then, No, not then, as it was the middle of the night and I had two kids to care for. As I was reading the bible, my body trembled violently and I felt very cold, and had rounds of goosebumps even though the air-conditioner was turned off and Nathan was actually sweating in his sleep. Will was quietly reading from his iPad beside me, only asking me once in a while if I was okay, as I trembled uncontrollably. He said my face was white. After about an hour of trembling, it stopped and I felt warm. I said my prayer and tried to go to sleep, hugging the Bible.

Hear this. Before what occurred, Will came up to the room because he said he heard a woman wailing and thought it was me and so he went to check if we were all alright. I certainly did not wail. I was putting Mikaela to sleep. I heard nothing either.

I googled up my 2nd night's experiences. There was OBE (Out of Body Experience) and Astral Projection - everything to do with the soul leaving the body. I read that sleep paralysis is part of the process of OBE, followed by vibrations and loud buzzing sounds in the head. Well, I never had any vibration and certainly did not hear any sound at all. Plus, the 2nd time, I was not even asleep! I could not find anything about OBE or astral projection while on the move or in an active state.

There were OBE, normally occurring in people during near-death experiences; and OBE triggered and induced by drugs or chemicals - used by military as Biological Weapons in spying on enemies in another place or country; and self-triggered OBE - there were videos on YouTube showing steps on how to have your soul out of your body for the night! Or there was meditation which can also allow you to experience OBE. It is claimed that you can have the freedom to travel to places you have always dreamt of, check on loved ones elsewhere and even meet up with other souls - sounds cool, huh? NOT! I think it sounds crazy! It is a completely out-of-the-world and scary experience. You do not know what is going to happen to you next and after your soul leaves your body, then? What if it never comes back? Besides, like I said, I did not go through the proper progress towards OBE. Neither did I trigger it nor did anything unconsciously which may have triggered it. It was against my will and I had to fight it even when I was moving around!

Then I tried searching on other possibilities. I came upon 'Panic Attack' - this is actually a medical condition, not the 'panic attack' expression that people so widely misuse as over-exaggeration in everyday sentences. There were blurred vision, feeling out of place and not yourself, but I did not experience everything else listed, such as bad headache or nausea or tummy ache, etc. People with panic attacks usually continue feeling weird for a longer time after. I did not.

I also came upon many stories of similar or close to my encounters. Some say it is Paranormal, some say it is demonic attacks.

Whatever it is, I feel that praying works and knowing that God is around and with me makes me feel safe and comfortable. I am not claiming that I am holy. I am not perfect, a sinner and have many times let God down by my human and earthly stupidity. I do know that He is always there for me -even at times when I have gotten too 'busy' for Him. O Lord, please forgive me.

Two days after my encounters, I did not feel anything and was able to catch some sleep at night. I was praying the Rosary and reading the Bible before sleep. However, on the third evening, when I was alone, I felt a presence and I began to pray out loud and I said "By the Power of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command you to leave me alone. Leave us alone!" When I said this, I had goosebumps all over as I felt unseen entities flying in chaos around me, and then cold wind blowing up my back. I could even hear the wind. There was nothing around to have blown such wind. The windows were not opened. As I continued fighting it, saying "Leave us alone!", I felt weak and had that feeling of soul being sucked out again, while I was wide awake and on the move.

I called up my parents to tell them about these. They got worried, but asked me to continue praying and putting my faith in God.

That night, I said my prayers and Rosary and read the bible before bed and when falling asleep, I could still feel there was cold wind blowing around me, but there was this layer around me, protecting me. So, nothing touched me, but I was aware it was around. Well, Praise the Lord!

Call me cliche or crazy. I do not care. Besides, Science exists because of God. He is the Creator afterall. It does not interest me what people say or think of me for I care more about what God would think of me when I stand before Him on Judgement Day.

So, I will continue praying the Rosary everyday now and read the Words of God, for it truly indeed, is very powerful. I still would feel presences sometimes, but I am no longer afraid.

The Lord is my Saviour. There is nothing I shall fear.

The Lord is my Shepherd. There is nothing I shall want.