Merry December!

I wrote down my resolutions for the year 2013. As this year is coming to an end, I realized that I have not been able to achieve most goals I have set for the year, mostly due to my diagnosis of cancer and the surgery which followed. 

However, there is one resolution which I have managed to keep, one which I added in at the last minute, and gave no big thoughts to it - at the time, it seemed 'small' compared to all the other goals, which I regarded as major ones. 

"To be truly happy, in God's ways and by God's wills."

Looking back now, I am grateful that during my darkest hours, I chose to listen to that inner voice - which I would love to believe, and I believe were messages from God. Today, the 'smallest' resolution ends up as my biggest achievement, surpassing all the rest of my goals set. I still have 2014 onward to make sure those get fulfilled, whichever and whenever God wills.

Here are some things I have learnt along the way.

Never keep count. It does not matter how much you have done for another which may have been taken for granted or never been repaid for. Remember, you are doing your part, and do it from the heart, and do not expect returns.

Do not expect someone to change, especially for you. No one is perfect. If and when you love someone, you accept him/her as he/she is. If he/she has to change the bad ways, he/she will and shall in time, with God's grace and will, for their own good.

"Give Time time." In the heat of a disagreement / misunderstanding / difficulty, we may think we are right and the victim, and pick on others' faults / flaws. Over time, you will see why it always takes 'two hands to clap'. We each have our own faults and in the end, it does not even matter who takes the bigger blame.

Forgive and forget in order to move on. One good and normal option for most is of course, to move or stay away from the people/problem. However, if you never made peace with the heart, no matter how far you distant yourself, you shall and will never be freed. 

One best advice I got was from a priest from the Philippines. He told me to treat Forgiveness as a gift. Just as God our Father forgives and shows us mercy, we can give this gift to others as well - to forgive and to love. 

Actions really speak louder than words. I read somewhere about an advice given on dating a guy based on what he does, not what he says. Words can most times be only words. People say sorry or show their love in different ways. Their actions may mean and show way more sincerity from their hearts than mere "I'm sorry" or "I love you".

Love. One of the best quotes from the late Nelson Mandela is the one on love, that 
"No one is born to hate another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."
Yes, I find that it is so easy to love and care for another if we only open our hearts to it. I am sure it is because we are made in the image of God and because God is love and He first loves us, that we love. 
Love truly is the greatest, and this world needs more love.

Put God first. Always make God the center of your lives and seek Him first. Seasons and people and things change, but the word of the Lord stays forever. When the world has turned its back on you, God is always there, so you are never alone. Trust in the Lord with all your heart that He shall show and provide the way even when there seems to be no way.

Alright, there are more things I can and will learn. 
As Christmas draws near, I feel joy although I am actually quite stressed out with work, and was irritated because I am stuck in this holiday seasons with no chance to take leave. Anyways, my favorite most beautiful time of the year is here. Let us not forget the true purpose of this celebration, our anticipation of when a Holy Child is born - a Messiah, a true King!

Have a Blessed Christmas!

God Never Blinks

My colleague gave me this book and said I would like it - and I love it!

It is a compilation and expansion of the fifty lessons life had taught Regina Brett, which she wrote for a newspaper column when she turned fifty. 

I love how Brett tells stories with each life lesson that she had learnt from the obstacles and problems she had been through, which she regards as "My lessons. My honors. My gifts." 

She talks about becoming a single parent and a college drop-out at 21; having to work odd jobs, and then eventually landing on the career which she loves; working out on her relationship with God; making peace with her difficult childhood; finding love in all the wrong places, and then finding the perfect man and getting married at 40; and then being diagnosed with breast cancer at 41. - I can pretty much relate, somehow, except that I am no single parent and that I chose life by choosing not to go for Chemotherapy.

As I read through every lesson, I was going, "This has got to be my favorite lesson!" Then I realized that the next, and the next and the following were also my favorite. Halfway through, I decided there is hardly anything from this book of lessons which I do not learn from.

It is interesting, fun, witty and so full of Life! 

Reminds me to be grateful for each day and everything that I have been blessed with. 

Lesson 40: If we all threw our problems in a pile and got a look at everyone else's, we'd fight to get back our own. "Yes, if we all threw our problems in a pile, I'd take mine back, not because they are easier, but because they are mine. My lessons. My honors. My gifts."

Get Names Right!

I have always emphasized on the importance of getting names right - be it people's or things'. It is crucial. The same way we would not like others to get our names wrong, please do the same for others. It does not hurt to simply ask "I'm sorry, but how do you spell / pronounce that?" Does not even take up one minute of your time.

Names are identities. They play major parts especially in identifying crime suspects or even heirs to wills or thrones. If it is not important, what is the point of identification cards or passports? Oh, would you like if God were to get your name wrong or mistaken you for someone else on Judgement Day?

I met one client today. Lost the account, but I have learnt so much from this amazing lady! She has decided to not continue because since day 1, people have gotten her company's name wrong though she has tried all marketing ways and approach in different medias to make her brand name known. I do not blame the media. It is the people with their 'whatever' attitude.

It gets pretty annoying. I have personally met a lot. They just completely shut it off - do not even bother to at least try and get it right, let alone remember.

Always with the attitudes, "Oh, too difficult to pronounce." or "Such a long name!" or "What sort of name/word is that? Never heard of. Not in my dictionary, so I don't need to remember."

Please.

It just shows how much you really care, at all. The first basic point of getting to know someone, and most people have failed terribly...

If you really find it hard to remember or pronounce, then at least create a shorter form or simpler version of the original name, or get a nice nick/pet name, especially for someone closer. Goes a long way to show how much the other person matters or how close he/she is to heart.

Faith Like a Child's

"And calling to Him a child, He put him in the midst of them and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven."          

- Matthew 18:2-4

I have come across these verses numerous times in the bible, and have even quoted these before in one of my previous posts. 

However, I had never really grasped the true meaning of the message, or rather, I had never comprehended how it applies, until today - and I learnt it from my 6-year-old son, Nathan. 

Like most other 6-year-old boys, there are times when Nathan can be such a pain. Being hyper apart, he tends to be very hard headed at most times. His therapist and doctors have been trying to figure out a diagnosis for his drooling and delay in proper speech. At first, we saw an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist and thought it was Ankyloglossia (tongue tie) and he even underwent a minor surgery for that. No difference made. Then we thought mild cerebral palsy, and then the pediatrician said there is nothing wrong with him, and sent him for speech therapies. It is impossible for it to be nothing - he has been complaining to me about pain in doing certain movements, and even chewing. The speech therapist said it could be ADHD - he has pretty short attention span, giving you about 10 minutes of his focus and then he gets out of control. She shall continue monitoring him until she figures out the best therapist to send him to. Traditional specialists say it has something to do with his nerves, or his imbalanced posture. We have tried many means. Until about last year, I had always blamed myself for his condition.

So, what has my son taught me about Faith?

Just last night, my daughter, Mikaela was muttering about being scared of the dark. Nathan then comforted his sister with his limited speech, "No scared. No ghost. Jesus strong! (flashing his bicep - he shows a lot of actions to help people understand what he is saying.)"

I have been telling my kids that there are no such things as ghosts, only Holy and evil spirits, and anytime they start to be afraid, they can always turn to God and pray - Jesus is always there with them. It touched me so much to hear these from my son. Such faith and trust coming from my not-so-little boy.

Since baby, people have been calling Nathan the happy or smiling boy, always with a big grin on his face, especially when seeing someone new - though he may smile his habitual crooked or cheeky smile. I have noticed, even after we have scolded him for misbehaving, he tends to forgive and forget fast. Just this morning, he made me blow my top in the car when sending him to school, but when he got down to enter the main door, he turned and looked at me and gave me a loving and sincere smile and waved goodbye gleefully at me. That hit me, how much we can really learn from a child.

Then I realized what Jesus meant when He said what He said in Matthew Chapter 18 Verse 2 to 4.

I may not be the best mother, but I have learnt to thank God for giving me such beautiful blessings in my life. I pray that I am able to love, teach and guide my children the way Jesus would, the way He does.

Be Not Afraid

"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come, follow Me, and I will give you rest..."

I had this song and the Lord's prayer as company when entering the operating theater, and it gave me much comfort and peace. Ironically, this song was played and sung at mass the morning before my admission for surgery the following morning. I was initially afraid of even the thought of the operating theater because I had a bad first impression when I accompanied my son into one in Miri for his minor tongue tie operation before. I remember it was all cold and dull - so metallic and hospital-green with the bright lights right on top of the operating table - and I was not even the patient, but it freaked me out.

However, and thankfully, the newly-renovated surgical departments in the government hospital in Brunei is so much more comforting - clean, white and modern with sweet peach and light green colours. The surgeons and nurses were very friendly. "Ok, you are going to sleep now. Sweet dreams. See you later."
The next thing I knew I was awoken by the shouts of another fellow patient rebelling with the nurses to get up and stand or walk on his own post-operation.

It has been over a month now, and waiting to meet the oncologists - I feel pretty normal and great, actually. It seems like a very serious matter to a lot of other people (although they mean well), especially when it comes to my biological age.
With family history, I sort of expected this. It does not matter what age. I never and would not question why this has befallen on me. Everything, including pain and sufferings happen to us because God allows them to. He loves us all the same, and because He loves us so much, He has given us a share of His Son's sufferings. If it is for my own good, then let His wills be done.

This brings us to the question my boss posted during our last weekly meeting. He has been very supportive and understanding - God bless his soul! - and he has brought up the question for me to ponder again, just today.

"If today happens to be your last day, what would you do?"

My typical answer before this year, would be to do all the things I desired or loved and fulfill all my dreams and be happy. 

Well, before this year, I was constantly worried about not being good enough in the world's eyes and measures; not earning or having enough or not being successful; not being able to provide or be there for my children and my family; wanting to do this and that, travel etc. - the list went on.
What is the point?
"We leave this world just as we entered it - with nothing. In spite of all our work there is nothing we can take with us." - Ecclesiastes 5:15

My answer now would most probably sound the same as my typical answer before. The difference is, back then, all the things I desired and all my dreams and happiness were mostly materialistic or worldly. Happiness is affected by situations and our environment and mood. Joy, however, once acquired, will always be there even amidst troubles or sufferings."O, the joy of the Lord is my strength!"

I used to worry and want to be hands-on in almost everything, especially with my kids. Well, there is only so much we can do. Our job as parents is of course, to teach and to guide, and to discipline when necessary. Beyond that, it is really not entirely up to us or in our control. Teach them well and they will get it eventually and remember. We do not know what happens tomorrow. It is up to God, really. Teach them, instead, to pray and to love God.
About death, I am really not scared of it. Life on earth is only temporary. God decides when we are born and when we die. When it is time to go, it is time. Who are we to play God and predict or decide if we should end our lives or prolong it? We have our choice to live our lives right and healthy, but that is all we can do for ourselves here.
Why not focus on being good enough in the Lord's eyes? Be strong in faith and trust in the Lord. He should always be the center of everything in our everyday lives. To worry is to say to God that He is incapable of providing and taking care of us.
"Then Jesus said to the disciples, "And so I tell you not to worry about the food you need to stay alive or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is much more important than food, and the body much more important than clothes. ... Instead, be concerned with His Kingdom, and He will provide you with these things." - Luke 12:22-23; 31

What would I do if today were my last day? In fact, since we will never know, we should live everyday as our last day.
I have my duties now, so I should give my best in all that I have to do, while awaiting the day I meet my Creator - till then, I pray that I am worthy to. To add on to fulfilling my duties, I should really focus on what I can give and do for others with all that I have. Lord, teach me how. Replace our hearts of stone with hearts filled with love, joy, peace and compassion. 

The King will reply, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these  brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:40

I shall overcome...

"Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you." - Mother Teresa

Many people tend to think a Christian life is supposed to be a smooth-sailing and blessed one - the worldly definition of such blessed life would be one of complete possession of all things the world deems necessary, be it power, status, career, properties, wealth, etc. However, this is not necessarily the case. 

I have read comments from atheists or people who do not really believe in God and even the devil. They say how limited our lives are when we believe in God. I think it is sadder for people to even say or think such things. May God bless them all. Some say things such as demon possession and exorcism are not real and that the devil is not real and is only a perception of the human minds and they label possession and exorcism as behavioral or psychological problems. There was one comment which said that most of these things only seem to happen to people who are religious or strong in their faith. I would say 'True' and 'False'.

'False' because these also happen to people who doubt their faith or are lost, and also to those who are already dwelling in the dark side - they feed on evil and have all means and ways to conjure them. The devil's job is to deceive, and in fact, for those who do not take the devil or hell seriously and those who do not believe in it, his job is already done. He is the king of lies and deceit, after all.

'True' because the devil knows his time is running out, and he knows that he will be defeated. So, of course he knows his enemies - those who are strong in their faith in God, those who follow and believe in Christ. Hence, he focuses on destroying these faithful followers of God, finding all sorts of ways to make people lose their trust and faith and backslide. The devil is like a lion prowling the world, waiting to devour those who give him the chance to.

I used to complain about my life a lot and then I realized I have been chasing all the wrong things. It hit me  - and it hit me real hard - that God has been so good to me and has blessed me and stayed with me in everything throughout, even though I have been such a miserable sinner. He has provided and given me all these blessings which I do not even think I deserve for my disobedience to His wills and commands. 

It is true, every time I want to turn back to God and be good, awful things would start to come. The priest said it is normal for the enemy to disturb and try to turn us away from God. And yes, many times before my faith was never strong enough for me to last through. I have backslidden a lot. This time, the enemy has come up with something stronger, something malignant. Not saying that I am a really good person now, but my faith is definitely stronger. Amidst all these pain and suffering now, I find that I am actually happier and more at peace than ever before. The devil can throw anything at me. Even unto death, I will trust and stick to God!

Praise the Lord in good times and in bad.

So, no, being and living a truly Christian life is not all smooth-sailing and perfect - in the eyes of the world. It is in fact, hard, but let these not be reasons for people to ever turn away from the Truth and Light. For the road though narrow and winding, shall be easy and so worthwhile to those who stick faithfully to God and His ways. Let His wills, not ours, be done! 

When we deny the concupiscence of the world, then we can truly be for God. 

"In view of all this, what can we say? If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31

'Everybody thinks I'm crazy. They say, "You take this Jesus thing too seriously." Well, I don't know, but Christ took me pretty seriously when He died for me on the cross.'

The True Meaning of Life

Greetings!

Was away on a family trip recently, and also to attend my cousin's wedding in Singapore. It was Mikaela's first time on an airplane. Not sure if she knew she was actually inside and on a plane (just like Nathan on his 1st airplane ride at 1 year and a half) - LOL! - But the kids sure had fun! 

 Nathan and Mikaela at the wedding 

We brought them to the S.E.A. Aquarium in Sentosa.

Loved the calm and serenity of the sea and the beautiful life in it. How wonderful God's creations are!

It was rather tiring traveling with two little children, but it was indeed a great and meaningful trip with the whole family - traveling and getting together to be at a relative's special day.

Life on earth has more meaning to it, when you base and back everything on and with reasons - God and Love.

I recently read this testimony, shared by a friend from church.
Dr Gloria Polo was an orthodontist who was struck by lightning and had a near death experience. She wrote her testimony of being judged before God in Spanish and the translation into English can be read in the following link: 

http://javaemerald.com/religion/gloria_polo_testimony.html

Very long read, but worth it. Very insightful and I have learnt so much more from it - especially how much we, as human actually dwell in all the worldly and secular things and activities (Yes, as I have mentioned in previous post about everything 'controlled'. 'They' know what 'they' are doing and the influences 'they' have on the world. 'They' have 'their' plans and the world being ignorant, and continuing to fall into 'their' traps is complimenting 'their' ultimate plan.) There is no use of me saying more. Let us pray.

After reading the testimony and with better understanding that a lot of things we think/do/feel are in fact, sins, which are separating us from God and eternal salvation, (and which we also sometimes try to find reasons to deny them as sins), I feel I have been such horrible person - such hypocrite, who claimed I knew and loved God but have led such pagan lives! I have been chasing all the wrong things. Well, I am still learning. Praise be to God for the chances.

Life on earth is only temporary. It is useless if all we do is fulfill our own desires and wills. For what good are earthly riches which will eventually fade or be eaten by moths or stolen by robbers? What we should really strive for is eternal Life.

"Do not store up riches for yourselves here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and robbers break in and steal. Instead, store up riches for yourselves in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and robbers cannot break in and steal. For your heart will always be where your riches are."
- Matthew 6:19-21

For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

God Bless!

What I Strive For...

I have not been writing posts on my blog... because I know not how and where to begin. I fear of saying the wrong things, for I am a mere human and a sinner who is still striving to lead a good life and fulfill my rightful duties on earth in this temporal life, according to God's wills. However, I feel that I need to get these off my chest, and people seriously ought to know.

  

I know I have done many wrongs, and am still trying my best to be righteous, or at least close to it (for no one is righteous). Praise the good Lord for being here for me throughout. I have disappointed Him a lot, yet He forgives and gives me chances after chances. I have cried out to Him and asked for Him to show me His ways. 

Jesus saith unto him, " I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me."
- John 14:6

Now I have come to know God and understand the Gospel more, I find I fear the Lord more (the presence of those devils which 'harassed' me no longer scare me - they are of no comparison to the presence of the Holy Spirit!) for the Lord is Almighty and Holy and Pure.

There have been so much awareness which suddenly hit me, and all these revelations I have been drawn to lately, makes me see the whole ugly truth of this world, and the deceit and traps which more and more ignorant or stubborn souls are falling into - influences from controlled medias, music, sports - well, almost everything - I admit I was a victim, too (as you can see from my past posts - craze over artistes, music, or books - Enough said.) Note, the key word is 'control'. It is indeed, very sad.

I long, no, I yearn for the everlasting life and joy with Him. I was blind, ignorant, and a fool. I find it shameful that I knew Him but chose to lead such sinful life. Lord, have mercy on us. I dread the loss of Heaven and the damnation of hell. Heaven and hell are no joke, period.

I first read "The Revelation of Hell" when I was 14 - my friend, Terry lent me the book. It spoke of end times, and from what I remember, a lot of things I read then and from The Revelation in the Bible make sense now, because those things are happening around us. Label me crazy or whatever you wish - it does not concern me for I do not need to answer to people in the end. 

I am writing these not to prove anything or to claim to be holy, for like you, I am a sinner as well. I am unworthy. I have my shares of guilt. Therefore, I would love to change my ways, by God and with God's help.

I do not know how exactly to put this, but I fear our time may be running out, and I really pray for all to open your eyes and heart and be saved. Really, please. 

"So then, you also must always be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you are not expecting Him." 

- Matthew 24:44

Better Days

I do not want to leave my blog hanging on a sour note.

Before I have anything specific to blog about here, I would just like to say God answers prayers.

Does not necessarily mean that I get everything that I have always or initially wanted. It is true that everything happens for a reason and that He always has better plans.
Things are starting to fall into place, and I have learnt to find peace amidst times of crises. :)

Praise the good Lord!

Food For Thought

I have been, in fact, I am still pretty much going through a rough - (How shall I put this?) - "emotional roller coaster". There are many things going through my head, many things I worry about every day, and a million questions running through my mind. Having said these, I acknowledge I do not know everything. There are so many I do not know yet, and I am willing to know more, through God and from God.
The confusing part(s) is I know what I want, but is this what He wills? I have made a lot of poor decisions in my life, and because of these, I have disappointed not only myself, but my loved ones and mostly, God. I am aware that His good grace is overflowing though I am unworthy, but it is not cheap. It came with a hefty price. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." - John 3:16
I understand that now so much more than I ever did before.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." - Matthew 7:7
Therefore, I ask for wisdom to make the right decisions. Yes, He answers in so many ways, but I guess I am a little slow. I do not want to be a fool anymore.

I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that I may be going through depression. The flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. I think I need a powerful inner healing.

Who am I to demand appreciation when the Lord keeps giving and loving even when the world has turned away from Him?

We go through tremendous agony or sufferings mostly due to our past sinful actions and ways. Who are we to complain when Jesus went through pain and death as an innocent soul to save us all?

Who are we to judge or give up on another when God has never given up on us? How would we know if we cannot save another?

What is/are our sacrifice compared to the sacrifices the Lord made for us?

Life on earth is only temporary.

The Impossible

Went for a movie last night and decided to watch this - The Impossible. The movie is based on a true event and the survival of Maria Belon and her family on their Christmas vacation during the devastating tsunami which hit while they were in Khao Lak, Thailand in December 2004.

The movie starred amazing actors - Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor, who played the couple, Maria and Henry; and Tom Holland, who played their eldest son, Lucas.

Only watching it from a screen, I caught myself cringing and gripping my hands tightly and holding my breath during the scenes when the tsunami waves hit with all the helpless people swept away in them. To put myself in the shoes of those who were actually there at that moment to experience that horrific event, it must have been so scary. I seriously doubt I would know what to do at that point of time. 

There were so much mixed emotions I got from this one movie. There were beautiful scenes where you see the love of the family on their Christmas vacation; there were the heartbreaking moments after the disaster hit and the members were clueless whether they have lost their separated loved ones; there were hopeful feelings when the husband never gave up looking for the wife and eldest son; and then that touching moment when the whole family got reunited miraculously at that one place. 

It just goes to show how great love really is, and that life and this world really need love. It was love for the family and loved ones back home which kept them going and fighting to survive and search for each other. It was love for another being which pushed Maria to convince her son, Lucas, to search for the lost little boy, Daniel shouting for his mom and dad, in the mess and save him, so that he was able to be happy with his father in the end. (how much difference that actually made!) It was love and care for the needy when the local Thais went around searching and helping those injured tourists - clothing them and rushing them to the nearby hospital, despite some losing their own homes and belongings.

Overall, it was a movie worth watching.

Condolences to those who have lost families and friends in the event. 

The What-is & What-nots

Here's a first for the new year. I know it's wayy due. We're already in mid January, and I hear Chinese New Year songs almost everywhere! *Shudders*  And they stress me out.
I never really liked the idea of Chinese New Year since young, and I'll explain why.
You see other occasions like Christmas and New Year, or the Malays' Hari Raya - they're all about love, peace, family, unity, forgiveness, giving and sharing. Very meaningful.
Then there's the Chinese New Year - People wishing each other "Gong Xi Fa Cai"(Wishing you Wealth) and you hear songs singing about receiving 'ang pows' (the red packets containing money) and welcoming "Cai Shen" (the Money god). It all revolves around...need I say more? - Money, Wealth, Prosperity... Of course you'd say there are also unity and family as most chinese families get together for the Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, and they visit each other, and kids are usually the happiest as they receive red packets from the elders as well wishes. The getting together part for dinner is great, only if it's not out of obligation - this seems like the case for most these days. Besides, you can and ought to have family get-together anytime throughout, not only during such occasion.
And who the heck created the idea of ang pow-giving?! It's like implanted in people's mindsets that "Hah! You're married. You should give ang pows!" Traditionally, it was meant for the kids, just an idea of wishing they'd grow up healthy and good. Then along the way, I don't understand how it becomes that even strangers are expecting you to give them ang pows! Then there's of course, gambling. They use 'visiting friends' as an excuse. Seems to me it's more like meeting up to gamble - the more, the merrier! -_-"
Anyways, I shall not rant. I never intended to write a whole post on Chinese New Year in the first place. On the bright side, at least there will be holidays and I get to be home for the eve (for the first time in the last 6 years!) with my family. So, yay.
Uhm...It's swayed away from what I was supposed to write. Now, I'm stuck. LOL.
Got to head out. So, I'll write another post later.