Monologue

I am tired. No, not literally physically only. Not at life, as a whole. I am tired of all these constant episodes of going round in circles - of going nowhere, but back to square one time and time again.

My lack of rest and sleep and all these peculiar dreams I have been getting are not helping! I wake up remembering all these vivid dreams and wondering what messages they bring. And, and these stupid devils or whatever they are which just have not stopped bothering me, especially at times I am praying - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, REALLY?! I am not afraid of you, so what is your point? You think if you succeed at scaring me, you will get me to be on your side instead of God's? HAH! Pathetic. And messing with a mother when she is alone and with her children around? Wrong move! Lay a finger on my kids, and my mother instincts will make sure you are destroyed and trampled and thrown into the bottomless pit where you belong!

I sound like a lunatic here. It is alright.

What is the answer here? I know one should not make rash decisions only when in times of crisis. OK, lately, I have been calm, and I still see the same outcome. I still get the same vibes. Tsk. Such disappointment. So, what is it, really?

I guess this is it. Or is it?
Lord, show me the way! Let Thy Will be done.

Our Youth, Our Gift

"WHAT?!"

They let out, almost a shriek, attracting attention from around us, their eyes wide opened, their jaws drop.

Such are the reactions I get from new people I meet when I tell them that I am married.

Their responses usually, "You're married?! I thought you have just graduated!"
And I would feel my heart let out a faint yelp at the statement. *I wish! Well, I ought to be.*

Adding that I have got two kids, and their jaws drop further. When they question my kids' age, and when they learn that my youngest is an infant below 1 year of age, I get the head-to-toe stare.

"You don't look like you're married and certainly not like you have already given birth to two kids! You look like you're single." or "You look so young! How old are you??"

I wonder if I should be telling this with glee. Perhaps, for the part where I do not look like I have given birth and that I look young, I guess I am flattered(?) - although I certainly have not felt so young, since... I do not even remember when.

However, I find it absurd that most people are still taken aback by the fact that I am married. I mean, how can you tell whether someone should be already married or not - whatever that means. I have some friends my age who are married, too. Few younger, even. Why? Do I look like I do not deserve to marry? Or do I really look like a kid who is way too young to be married? - which are both not good reasons at all - although I think they may mean well when they pose those questions.

I know many are trying so hard to maintain or regain their youth. Honestly, the thought of premature aging damages does frighten me. Regardless, the fact that we are living in a society where most people are too busy to stop and pay attention to minors, is not an advantage to me if the statements about my youthful appearance stand true. It means I certainly have to work a whole lot harder to prove myself, especially in the career world. I admit there are occasions I get such ignorance and vibes, as if these 'important people' are thinking, "She is just a child. Ngeh! What does she know?"

Well, I really should not bother about such things. We cannot control other people's thoughts and judgement afterall. If they want to be judgemental, let them be. I do not need to answer to people in the end. If it means I need to work extra hard in my career, so be it. Everyone has got his/her story behind those 'masks' we see on the surface. So, I have learnt to not judge.

Besides, I really should try to learn and cherish my youth. It is a gift. The world has just gotten too engrossed in their pursuit of material things and wealth. Even kids these days have forgotten and are no longer introduced to our imaginary games and fun in the olden days. Tsk. Let children be children! I heard somewhere before that children are born smart. It is what the adults input into their minds as they are growing which makes them become 'stupid'.

Why is it that as children, we saw the world as the beautiful Earth with all the life in it that God has created for us, which we could not wait to explore and we saw so many potentials to grow in and change for a better future (and we could not wait to grow up), but as we grow up, and as adult, we see the world as the harsh and cruel reality? - wars and injustice; pride and prejudice; materialistic wealth and power...

Funny, because I thought we all, children or adult, live on the same planet, breathe the same air, witness the same sunrise and sunsets, and view the same moon and stars at night. It is not the world which has changed, but the people and their man-made laws.

Oh, I miss crawling under the tables and playing pretend camping with friends when in primary school; the fake birthday cake I made and brought to school for the fake birthday party we celebrated during break time (and I remember one of the teachers stood by and watched us outside the classroom window, smiling to himself); the playing pretend we were mermaids when swimming on weekends with cousins; and I guess if I were to come up with the list of things we did as kids, my post will take a whole page! Those were the days.

Why can't we think and see the world like children?

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

(Matthew 18:2-6)

Thanks for the Memories

Joyce Conway has just lost her baby and blaming herself for the loss, she has wished to give up on her life and join her unborn child at that very moment. However, she wakes up in the hospital with her worried father at her side. Little does she know that the blood transfusion she receives gives her more than her life back. In the process of ending her failed marriage, Joyce decides to start afresh and moves back in with her father. She discovers that she remembers places she has never visited, has vast knowledge on buildings and architecture, speaks languages she has never learnt before, and keeps dreaming of this little girl with blonde hair.
Justin Hitchcock has flown into Dublin for a guest lecture. Lonely and restless, the recently divorced Art Professor has left his home in Chicago to move to London to be closer to his daughter, Bea. Despite his fear for needles, he nonchalantly agreed to donate blood when the beautiful doctor, Sarah whom he met on campus persuaded.
Since Joyce and Justin first cross paths, they find that they are very much drawn to each other and their lives have become a wild goose chase in the pursuit of something unknown, yet they cannot quite put their finger on what it is that makes each one of them so familiar to the other.

I have actually finished reading this book a couple of months back. I bought the book quite long ago and it has been sitting on the shelf for some time until I realized I have never read it before. Ahh, Life!
As unique as most of Cecelia Ahern's writings are, I find this one rather predictable. It is a good read, however, with this piece, I needed to get myself back on track in the story and where it is leading to, everytime that I stopped halfway. I think I like 'Where Rainbows End' alot better. As usual, Ahern never fails to add humour into her stories - in this one, she exhibits it in the character of Joyce's father.

There are a number of quotes from the book which I like.

"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you."

"When feeling at your weakest, you end up showing more strength; at your lowest, you are suddenly lifted above higher than you've ever been. They all border one another, these opposites, and show how quickly we can be altered. Despair can be altered by one simple smile offered by a stranger; confidence can become fear by the appearance of one uneasy presence...How similar emotions are."

"We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found."

"It's like my garden, love. Everything grows. Including love. And with that growing everyday, how can you expect missing her to ever fade away? Everything builds, including our ability to cope with it. That's how we keep going."

I Do Not Know Much...

I do not know much about Love
But I see it in a mother's eyes
I feel its warmth around families and friends
I experience it from a child's cuddles and hugs
It is certainly in the atmosphere during celebrations between and amongst lovers

I do not know much about Courage
But I see it in a child's first steps
I feel it in an adventurer's first attempt on an adrenaline challenge
I experienced it as a teenager on his/her first approach on the biggest crush
I think it is much needed and inside each soldier on the battlefield

I do not know much about Faith
But I see it in the families and lovers waiting for their beloved to come home from battle or war
I feel it in the sick who are fighting for another chance to live
I hear it in a child's prayer for a better tomorrow
And I guess it is what keeps everyone going in this cold, cruel world today

I do not know much about Life
But I witness it during the birth of a newborn baby
I hear and read about it from motivational and inspirational books, seminars and talk shows
I am pretty sure it is what every living creature is fighting for
And I believe it is what the faithful strive for

There are many I may not know much about
But I do know that you and I are here for a purpose
And that God is by our side every step and struggle along the way
Even through times of great sufferings
And when I leave this place called Earth I know where I want to come Home to

-Sylvia K.

Keeping awake

Hello.

Oh dear, I haven't posted for some time.

At the moment, am trying to find something to do at work. It is my second week here and I have nothing much to do, yet. Well, I love the job & people here.

It is pouring outside and my eyes are heavy. About another 1 hour & a half to go...

Must. sleep. earlier. tonight.

If I can.